Not ready

I'm not ready for another child. Today I had the privilege of babysitting Luke, a sweet 4 month old baby boy. It was only for an hour but when Sarah e-mailed me yesterday asking if I would be available I jumped at the chance!! Literally. I actually bounced up and down in my chair with excitement. I figured we would be fine, especially since it was during the time that Kasey would be home for lunch. And it really was just fine, we made it through unscathed without any meltdowns but then again, it was only an hour and Luke was happy for most of that time. When he did get sleepy I left Kalin with Kasey and closed the door to Kalin's room and put Luke down for a nap. When we do have two kids, I won't be able to just shut the other child out like that...unless he's old enough and responsible enough to take care of himself for awhile. At one point, while I was entertaining Luke, I turned to Kasey and said, "Don't worry, when we do have another baby I won't totally ignore Kalin like I'm doing right now." It only made matters worse that Kalin was jealous of the attention I was giving Luke (which only makes sense at this age). Suffice it to say, WE'RE NOT READY!!!

I'm starting to wonder now if training Kalin to go to sleep without nursing is working too well. My original plan was just to have it apply to naptime. I'm perfectly fine nursing and rocking him to sleep at night...in fact I look forward to that time. However, 2 out of the last 3 nights he has not wanted to be nursed to go to sleep. It's not that he's weaning himself, he still enjoys nursing and asks for it several times a day. But it's not necessary anymore for bedtime. On Monday I nursed him expecting him to go sleep, instead he decided he needed to play longer (it didn't help that we let him nap until 6 that evening). Finally, at 8:30 I decided that I was just going to put him in his crib because he wasn't acting tired but I knew he needed to go to bed. I put him down, walked out of the room closing the door behind me and waiting to hear the screaming. It never came. In fact, he didn't make a sound - not even a little whine. Tonight it was much the same. He asked for milk at 7 just after his bath so I decided it would be alright as long as he didn't fall asleep at that time. He did fine but at 8 when I was going to nurse him again to put him asleep, he just wanted his pacifier. So I obliged and decided to just put him in his crib to see what would happen. Again, not a sound could be heard coming from his room. Weird, I thought. I'm not sure what to do with this new revelation. Quite frankly, I don't think I'm ready to give up nursing him to sleep at night. Maybe he is though. It got me thinking. Will I be ready to send him off to his first day of school? Will I be ready to send him off on his first date? Will I be ready to see him graduate from high school? College? At this moment in time - no. When those times come - maybe. As with most things in life, you learn to adapt and adjust. If you don't, you end up living in the past and missing out on what's happening right here, right now. Sure, I may get nostalgic, thinking back to those moments that meant so much and are now gone, but how exciting to see him growing up before my eyes and take these steps towards becoming an independent adult who may one day experience some of the great milestones in his own child's life that we've witnessed in his.

And now for some observations:

Kalin has a new fascination with light switches. He loves to point (which he's almost an expert at now!!!) at them and when I get close enough he practices switching the lights on and off. I let him go through about 5 rounds of "on/off" before pulling him away. I'm glad that he's not tall enough yet to reach it on his own. It means I still have all the power in whether or not he gets to play with them.

My aunt recently told me this story: A co-worker walked in to my aunt's office and saw the picture of Kalin she has hanging up and said "It's just impossible to have a bad day after seeing that face!!" A little bit later that same co-worker came in with a nurse who had been crying and pointing at Kalin's picture said, "There, now look at that. Doesn't that make you feel better?" I told my aunt that it's like Kalin's ministry to people. He has such a sweet smile that people can't help but to smile back.

Kalin's favorite book to pull off the shelf right now is The Tales of Edgar Allan Poe. He kept bringing it to me like he wanted me to actually read it to him. Sorry kiddo, maybe in a few years.

I was recently reading that somewhere around this age they start "jargoning". According the definition in the book that means they start to "talk" but it sounds like a different language. I think it's safe to say that Kalin is "jargoning". What I had always deemed as "babble" somehow crossed the line into "jargon". It's really amazing to listen to Kalin as he "talks" (or jargons) away. He'll use inflection and actually tries to have a conversation with you. I feel so bad that I don't know how to respond because I would really like to give him the response he's looking for so he continues "jargoning" and doesn't become frustrated at our lack of understanding. Of course, this is assuming that he actually is trying to tell me something and isn't just practicing sounds. Either way, I think it's really exciting that he's trying to communicate and is working on learning how to speak. And I think the word "jargon" is my new favorite word.