Challenging

Yesterday and today have been challenging days for both Kalin and I. I don't know what brought it on but yesterday morning I woke up, not feeling like being the mommy I know Kalin needed and wanted. I wished I could give him to somebody for 8 hours so I could have a chance to do whatever I wanted to do for a WHOLE day. I wanted it to be like when I had a job, and got a day off. A day to lazily surf around on the internet, read books, have uninterrupted thoughts. Basically, a day to care for and focus on myself...on only myself. I've only truly had a few of these days since Kalin was born, but when they hit, they hit hard. There were things on my to-do list (bills to pay, Quicken to update, things to research, laundry) that were not getting done and it was frustrating me. Several times I asked Kalin why I couldn't have a single moment to accomplish a task without him hanging all over me and whining. He, in return, let me know loud and clear (in his 11-month old way) that this was his time to play and he needed me to pay attention to him and play with him. Well, I wasn't happy with that. I told him that if he would go down for a decent nap, then maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation. So after a frustrating morning (where he finally went down for a nap around 11:30) we (meaning, I) eagerly anticipated an afternoon walk. Walks are a glorious way, not only to get exercise, but to clear my head, breathe in the crisp autumn air, and not have to really deal with Kalin. We usually start our walks off with a song and discussions about the weather and the trees and plants we see (and how fast cars speed by us on Bethany Drive). But yesterday, I was in the mood for silence, and later on some adult conversation (not adult as in dirty, but adult as in intelligible...just thought I'd clarify). I ended up talking to my friend, Kristen, from Cedarville. She is 12 weeks pregnant and spends most of her evenings laying on the couch feeling sick. We talked for 4o minutes of my 70 minute walk. It was so refreshing.

But last night I started to feel guilty. Like I had wasted a whole precious day with my little boy being annoyed and frustrated. So I purposed in my mind and heart, that today would be different. I would play with him until he was exhausted, I would hold him for his nap if that's what he needed, we would do everything the way he needed it done. That mindset resulted in me not having showered by the time Kasey came home for lunch at 1:00 and Kalin finally taking a nap (in my arms) from 12:30-1:30. He had a weird meltdown (the likes of which I have not seen for many months) around 11:30. I think he was overtired and sick. He's had a stuffy/runny nose since this morning. He has also had really weird eating patterns. It started last night. He just kept asking for more milk (by using his sign language). Then this morning he asked for it 3 times within an hour and a half. I obliged until he started spitting up. I decided he just wanted the comfort of nursing (which could be because he wasn't feeling well) or because he wanted to sleep. If I try to distract him from wanting to nurse, he'll grab the pillow I use when nursing and bring it to me. He's so smart to connect those two things!! We had a better afternoon. We took a walk (later than usual), stopped by to visit Kasey and his co-workers, and had a good evening together after Kasey headed off to youth group. I had the pleasure of giving him a bath, rubbing him down with lotion, and then putting him to bed by myself. He went down earlier than usual because he was starting to act really cranky and tried to fall asleep while I was nursing him at 6:45 (his normal bedtime is 8). Today was much better. I went into it with a better attitude which resulted in a more willing heart to give my boy whatever he needed to make his day fabulous.

A few thoughts:

It's amazing how my drive and desire to take a million pictures of Kalin everyday has drastically decreased over the months. I have no new pictures for tonight, so I'll just post some more from our fabulous excursion to Crest Ranch for our tree.

Kalin got into the Chex tonight while I was doing dishes. I saw him playing with the box but was keeping my eye on him to make sure he didn't get it open. Well, he did, and I didn't realize it until I heard him crunching on something. I guess he needed a snack. He had dumped probably 2 cups of the cereal on his lap before I got to him. It would have made for a good picture, but I was focused on making sure he didn't cram so many in his mouth that he choked.